The narcissistic psychopath in my life (Solo guitar)

Maggie Bell Composer

Wars, Eruptions, Harmonies and Disharmonies (PhD thesis)

Since 2018 I have been immersed in postgraduate studies in Music Composition at Griffith University Queensland Conservatorium, focussing on exploring my experiences living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) through the medium of music composition.

My PhD thesis is entitled ‘Wars, Eruptions, Harmonies and Disharmonies’ reflecting the inner dynamics of my various dissociated identities (parts/alters) expressed as a series of solo and orchestra works.

Different parts or groups of parts in my DID system (the structure of my personality) have composed different scores depending on what experiences/memories/roles they have in my mind.

In this blog I present a selection of the compositions from that process, accompanied by explanatory notes about themes and ‘conversations’ represented in the music.

Each piece will have the associated scrolling score and either live audio or digital recordings.

A major goal for this project is to break down the conspiracy of silence surrounding childhood sexual abuse, especially incestuous abuse and to provide support for those still suffering from childhood trauma as well as initiating conversations with those who have never before thought about the prevalence and ongoing impact of childhood abuse.

Note: when referring to my internal system, the dissociated states are referred to as “parts” and will be italicised in this blog.

About Maggie Bell - Composer

Maggie's Bio

I am about to complete my Ph.D. at Griffith University Queensland Conservatorium, having also completed both my undergraduate degree (B.A. Mus) and Masters degree (M.Mus. Studies) at that institution.

I am also a part-time composer, having composed pieces for the opening of Mental Health Week, Brisbane, 2015 and for a collaboration with

I am also a part-time composer, having composed pieces for the opening of Mental Health Week, Brisbane, 2015 and for a collaboration with Ron Jontof-Hutter for an orchestral work based on the end of the recent pandemic.

Previous employment includes both full and part-time teaching for the Education Department, Qld, primary and secondary levels as well as private music tuition and classroom music teaching for many years in the United Kingdom.

More recently I was selected to be a speaker at Creative Brain Week Australia 2024.

My interests largely revolve around music and music composition and my current goals include:

1. Adding to the repertoire of Australian Female Composers

2. Composing music that may assist in the mental health well-being of others

3. Composing music that may help therapists look to different paths in the treatment of people with mental health issues

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Solo Scores

Maggie's Bio

The solo compositions originated from particular clusters of personalities (parts) coming forward to express their current, or past, experiences. These clusters seem to be groups of personalities which have a common underlying experience, role or central message that needed to be expressed, such as bullying/powerlessness, feeling displac

As part of the reflective process of this project, I have become aware that when my parts begin to compose there is no awareness by other parts of the system. They come forward and begin to compose without any conscious negotiation and without conflict or resistance. It is usually only after listening to the piece that some internal communication and understanding begins and I begin to be able to express the core message of the piece in words. It is only through this process and reflecting on the works in therapy that I have been aware of the existence of these clusters and their roles in the system.

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Solo Music (digital recordings)

Mischief! Do sit still!

This solo piece is composed for the bass clarinet because it is such a whimsical instrument. The piece reflects the mischievous fun-loving parts of myself and acknowledges the importance of the happy times/relationships in my childhood despite the ongoing trauma with others.

The Divided Teenager

This piece was composed by a number of parts holding memories and experiences of my turbulent teenage years. The parts involved are The Mute, Music Maggie, Music Nellie, The Loner, Mind Intruder, Hermit, Slowlow and Outcast. Teenage years are difficult in the best of times. For me, although I was unknowingly also dealing with fragmented /dissociative parts, I was aware that my teenage years had a lot of missing time, fractured/splintered memories and a continuous questioning over my reason for living, as I could not seem to “fit” into the normal mould of a human being. I had felt alone and lonely from a young age and during my teenage years I became even more withdrawn from everyday life except when I was experiencing the joy of music.

Rage

This piece expresses the rage I felt throughout my life about the ongoing abuse and torture and collusion/lack of intervention by my parents, especially my mother who actively encouraged my brother to physically assault me. The piece was composed by numerous 'subparts' of a higher order part named Rage. Within Rage there are numerous subparts holding rage at different ages, as well as some subparts who deny and/or are confused by the rage, who hold self-blame and yet still have an underlying current of previously unacknowledged fury.

The Mutes

The Mutes are a group of parts of different ages and unknown number. Overall, these parts hold the experiences of having been silenced, ignored and excluded. As a result of inexperience in communication, all the Mutes have under-developed language processing abilities. The Mutes, together, decided they wanted to compose a piece just for themselves and chose the French Horn due to the normal playing hand technique of placing the hand cupped inside the bell of the instrument, thereby muting the instrument. The practical reason for this is to help the player access the high frequency resonant modes or partials of the horn, but the younger and teenage mutes saw this as a symbol of supressing verbal conversation and not being able to speak out.

Vocal Work - How Do I Ask You To stay? (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass)

My psychologist wrote the words to this piece when I was feeling extremely suicidal. My emotional response to her poem had a profound effect on me as I went through a myriad of feelings from being so grateful that someone truly understood how I was feeling, to utter embarrassment at the kind, unwarranted words she was portraying. There was also a tinge of anger within myself because I felt I had betrayed my own belief that I must never fully open up, I must stay silent and never let the past define me or let others know the disgusting behaviours that had been part of my life. I wanted to do her words justice and decided to use her poem to create a choir piece for Soprano, Alto, Tenor, and Bass.

Maggie Bell

COMPOSER Griffith University Queensland Conservatorium

Maggie Bell Composer

Wars, Eruptions, Harmonies and Disharmonies (PhD thesis)

About Maggie Bell - Composer

Maggie's Bio

Maggie's Bio

Maggie's Bio

Solo Scores

Maggie's Bio

Maggie's Bio

Choose a piece of music to listen to

Displaced

Negotiations